Had a dream about you the other day. You had come back to the living. It’s been three years and when you come in dreams, waking becomes harsh and unreal.
Emily and i have been talking alot this week. She says we all have dreams of you coming back.
i want to talk and hear stories.
more stories.
my memory fails me.
events become distilled into flashes. emptied of words, specifics, chronology.
fragments
Climbing up the rocks at Calico Basin. Jumping into the high winds on the plateau and the sensation of lift and momentary flight. Ecstatic faces and yelling…
Jumping into the frigid waters of Ocean Shores on the Olympic Peninsula. Salty exhilaration and the mighty waves. Joyce’s phrase “scrotum-tightening sea” came to mind…
The soreness of an epic game of “Slug Bug” during the first day of a two day journey by Greyhound from Las Vegas to Seattle. We were both ruthless, with eyes scanning in every direction on the way through California. Small sleep in the night and waking up in Oregon. Smell of pines and the feeling of north.
The bus stopped for breakfast at Heaven On Earth. Largest cinnamon rolls we’ve ever seen…
Shaun working quietly and dutifully shelving books among the isles and the sea of spines at Amazon…
His first stab at gardening – planting some potatoes along the edge of Paige’s parent’s patio and being so impatient that he ate them directly from the earth before they were ready…
Pulling the car over spontaneously to dance to Zeppelin’s “Immigrant Song” by the side of the road…
His room at his parents with scattered clothes and teenage disarray and listening to “Daydream Nation” and “Athens, GA Inside and Out”…
Shaun rarely used public transportation. If he wanted to come over he’d generally walk an hour or two to any point in the city…
It’s been two years now since you left Shaun.
I still think about you all the time and i’m sorry i wasn’t there for you. Why couldn’t you just have come to Sweden? You know i was planning it? You woulda learned the language in half the time it took me to get the hang of it.
I wish you could meet Elliott. He’s two and half almost and he’s a comedian in training. You woulda loved him. He would of loved you.
anyway, i really miss you buddy. and it’s your birthday.
goodnight, wherever you are
“Let’s take em out in the boat”
Whose idea was this?
We’d taken that boat before. The small rigging-less sailboat used to decorate the model homes up at Desert Shores, saying “Yes, you can live the dream. A shore side home with a dock and boat. You dream it, we build it! Lakeside living where you never thought possible!” It was easy. We simply scaled a rail fence and, as the dock lay beyond the spread of the streetlight, pulling off the one-piece mast and sail and untying the mooring was a cinch. We found some 2 by 4’s to use as paddles, which was rough on the hands but so what? Sure it was ridiculous, but in our cynical 16 year old eyes, what wasn’t silly and incongruous in that impossible stretch of suburbia in the Vegas valley?
So we had a boat, as long as we loaned it at night. Besides, that boat was in need of liberation from a life of simple decoration.
There was some plan to meet-up with Paige and her friend Michelle. You still couldn’t believe that she LIKED you. We all thought Paige was so dreamy, so smart and doe-eyed. She was well read and listened to music on vinyl and she was the first girl you met with a tattoo. A little Mickey Mouse near her ankle. And she liked YOU, Shaun Taylor.
In all probability, Paige picked us up and at the time she was driving an old brown 80’s model Ford with beige seats and a tape deck. It ended up being fries and milkshakes at that 50’s styled diner over at the Stardust that Paige had introduced to all of her friends. Fries and milkshakes being somehow the teen equivalent of god, Paige was extra keen on the boothside jukebox selectors plus the inevitability of the waitstaff availing themselves to entertaining on the side by performing “Happy Birthday” or whatever whilst standing on the bar. After milkshakes i suggested Desert Shores because you were so quiet the whole evening. You could barely look at Paige you were so shy, yet i remember that she somehow deflected any awkwardness by simply taking it in stride and making jokes. So you were quiet and pensive and she LIKED YOU ALOT.
When we got to Desert Shores, we parked in a half-built subdivision and walked around to the model homes, knowing that we were with some right girls when they didn’t balk at scaling a fence or borrowing a boat. The night was clear and the edge of the valley occasionally afforded some respite from the bleed of Vegas lights, leaving room for a glimpse of stars and constellations. The September evening air was slightly brisk, i remember, as we paddled out to the middle of the lake. Paige and Michelle had that easy humor that best friends have and though i forget the conversation, i recall the giggling. Still you sat without a word. We were no longer paddling and you had your arms wrapped around your knees, a strange, quiet desperation playing across your face.
Then suddenly:
<KERPLASH!>
you’re in the water! I caught the movement from the corner of my eye, you didn’t fall in at all but cast yourself in backwards from where you sat! Oh my god it happened so suddenly and then you were treading water alongside the boat and you had a slight smile of relief on your face – having finally broken your silence and shattering the awkwardness with an act of spontaneous hilarity. Yet i knew you must be freezing because the water and the air weren’t night-swimming temperature. You shouldn’t be so cold by yourself, i thought, so in my own unoriginal way and as an act of solidarity, i cast myself in too.
Then we were both treading water and laughing with Paige and Michelle and this ridiculously glorious night. We pushed the boat to shore and our laughter echoed over the water as we pulled off soggy shoes and socks and undressed to our boxer shorts.
Paige had the good sense to come up with the next plan of action – run to the car, drive the half mile or so to your house, pick up some dry clothes and hopefully forestall any future chill-induced ailments. Meanwhile, fresh out of the ice you necessarily broke, we ran off in the same direction – half-naked and laughing – followed only by two equally lean and carefree shadows.
Went for a swim today which naturally evoked an image of Shaun and his inherent athleticism. His body was a powerful machine when summoned to the task. Lithe and sometimes inexhaustible, it was no wonder he often ate to extremes just to satiate his high metabolism*.
Well for a minor period of my life, i fancied myself as a pretty fast sprinter. Perhaps it was hanging out with a crowd generally indisposed to athletics that lulled me into thinking i was the fastest. Until the one day a group of us was playing tag or soccer or whatever it was i don’t recall but i was running full sprint when i realized that Shaun was GAINING ON ME. Goddamn it i’m not fast at all anymore compared to this dude, i thought. He overtook me alright and to make matters worse, he wasn’t even winded! Crap. Not only was he faster but he had more stamina and could keep running seemingly forever. I knew he’d run track with Michelle but this was before i knew him so i had NO IDEA.
This went with the swimming also. Not that he was super fast or had some Rowdy Gaines strokes, but he would swim out farther than i ever dared and he made it look so effortless.
Another time he demonstrated how he could do a backflip from a standing position. I was awed and when asked how he managed it, he said that it just occurred to him that he could do it, so he did. Now the only people i ever see who can do that are breakdancers and not even the gymnasts or modern dancers i know can do it. Powerful.
*seriously, many a time i’ve seen him eating voraciously beside an open fridge only to retire with a belly-ache and post-binge regret.
Shaun once had a red Toyota Celica 2nd Generation 2-door coupe
which, to the best of my recollection was his first car. i can’t remember if he got it before or after we met, but at least he wasn’t walking 3 miles to school anymore. Speculation would put gas prices of the time at a mere 89 cents and since it was a Toyota, one imagines that it was easy to keep it gassed by simply grabbing a handful from the sea of change on the floor of the backseats. One generally had to stake out seating or footspace in that car because littered among “the sea” were books, clothes, food wrappings, take-out containers, cassette tapes, shoes, a skateboard – geez if there was anything in the trunk i can’t remember. I suppose we must have been places in that car but i can think of two instances in particular.
The first instance would be the jump on Westcliff. There was this rise in the pavement somewhere around Buffalo traveling east (it’s probably gone now) and one time, we thought it would be pretty fuckin’ cool to take the jump as fast as we could. The speed limit was 35 (which i remember now coz i got my first ticket on Westcliff just a month after getting my license (just why do they allow 16-year-olds to drive!?)) so, in order to try this feat, Shaun would have to break the speed limit. You have to admit, if there are no lives to endanger but your own, driving fast and taking jumps is fun as hell. We got the idea because we had already passed the rise faster than intended and had felt a split-second of zero-G. This got us excited and would need a repeat and thus requiring the added moving violation of a u-turn in a non u-turn zone. So we’re on the second approach and i actually VOLUNTARILY don a seatbelt. I had my new guitar between my legs and i held on to it dearly as Shaun floored it and, in the next split-second, i swear we attained lift-off and then came crashing back down onto Westcliff Drive. Jumping cars is exhilarating and everyone should try it at least once (no don’t, trained professionals only! geez i’m a dad for chrissakes what am i saying?)
The second instance would be him driving me across town to leave some flowers or something (cheesy/sappy teenage boy hoping to get girl ploy) at Robbie’s house. We had to drive like a million miles to the SE corner of Las Vegas which meant freeway time. The thing i remember is that it was early December and cold and Shaun drove the whole way with his window down. And that’s how he drove – be it day or night, excruciatingly hot or freezing – windows down.
We listened to alot of music at full volume in that car. Among the scattering of tapes was R.E.M., The Smiths, Led Zeppelin plus god knows what. I had just recently discovered the wonder of Athens and was happy to have my newest friend also be a Georgian. There is another instance – we collected change from the floor of the Celica so we could buy They Might Be Giants Lincoln over at The Wherehouse. It probably cost about $6.99 or something but it was worth it for Ana Ng alone – “i don’t want the world, i just want your half” – so Purple Toupee and Cage & Aquarium were just an added bonus.
The first time i remember seeing him was in the hallway between periods. his head was down and his bangs almost covered his eyes in the way that nearly everyone i knew used to shield them from the onslaught. he was wearing the same Cure Standing on a Beach shirt that i had (though not that day). he glanced at me through those bangs in the way that perhaps all teenagers do when they recognize something kindred, like listening to The Cure and mutually finding oneself allergic to the inanity of the high school experience. at least that’s how i remember it. a close-lipped glance in the hall and then it was over, back to class. he must be new coz i hadn’t seen him before, i thought, and it was midway through the year. i saw him again another time in the same transit between the same periods. it became regular, the half-skater looking guy with the bangs and the band T-shirts. he also had The Smiths The Queen is Dead and if he had any other shirts at the time, i don’t remember them.
the next time i saw him was on the way to school on Torrey Pines Drive. it was the new term after a strange summer and my friend Kalah M was driving her blue Honda Civic when i saw him walking along with his backpack slung shoulder-style, both arms up easing the weight from the conceivable tonnage. he was wearing those now ubiquitous shorts and Vision Streetware shoes.
i thought three things:
-that’s the guy from the hallway on the way to World History.
-does he walk all the way to school?
-too bad we don’t know him, we could give him a ride.
in all probability Kalah would have stopped if i had said anything because she was the type who was always trying to be all motherly to everybody. Same gothic outlook, but motherly. the moment was gone in a second anyway and of course who picks up strangers?
